90min’s Definitive European Player Power Rankings: Week 20 – IT Crowd Special

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Great. Now that your computer is in working order, it’s time to get stuck into the next edition of 90min’s Definitive European Player Power Rankings, and we’ve had some real technical support from the IT Crowd to make this possible.

So, let’s see what Roy, Moss and Jen have to say about the last week of European action.

15. Romelu Lukaku (Re-Entry)

Romelu Lukaku

“Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie, that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark ‘egg on your face’.”

​Manchester United fans will have told you that ​Lukaku was useless and not worth the money.

Oh, how wrong they were.

14. Mohamed Salah (Re-Entry)

Mohamed Salah

“If you type ‘google’ into Google, you can break the internet.”

Social media is always full of people talking about ​Salah. Some hate him, some love him and some really don’t care.

But no matter what your opinion is, you can’t deny that the ​Liverpool man scores goals. Just ask West Ham and Southampton.

13. Roberto Firmino (New Entry)

Roberto Firmino

“I like being weird. Weird is all I’ve got. That, and my sweet style.”

If you want your striker to just score goals, then you probably don’t want ​Firmino in your team. However, if three assists against Southampton is what you’re looking for, then he’s your man.

12. Alexander Sörloth (Up 1)

Turkish Spor Toto Super Lig"Trabzonspor AS v Besiktas AS"

“We don’t need no education.”

“Yes you do. You’ve just used a double negative.”

Educate yourself about Sörloth. He might have been rubbish at ​Crystal Palace, but he is tearing it up in Turkey with Trabzonspor. 

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer loves trying (and failing) to sign Norwegians for United – maybe Sörloth could be next.

11. Josip Iličić (New Entry)

Josip Ilicic

“Two eyes. That’s the best amount of eyes.”

Iličić has three ‘i’s. Waheeey, banter.

Five goals in his last three matches, taking his tally for the season to 14 in just 18 games, should tell you everything you need to know about him.

10. Kylian Mbappé (Up 4)


“What the flip are you looking at? You think this is funny? You think this is some kind of motherflipping joke? Motherflippers think everything’s a motherflipping joke.”

Yeah, scoring goals is fun, but I know something even better.

Ever tried fighting your manager for doing something totally normal like substituting you? That’s ultimate excitement. ​Mbappé gets it.

9. Carlos Vinícius (Up 1)

Carlos Vinicius

“I wanna taste the apple, Roy. I wanna bite the electric tiger’s tail and ride it till the end of the motherflipping line.”

Vinícius is definitely riding that tiger’s tail this year. The Liga NOS top scorer has been scoring goals for fun, and he doesn’t look like he’s going to slow down anytime soon. 

8. Erling Haaland (Up 7)

Erling Braut Haaland

Good morning. That’s a nice tnetennba.”

We all knew Haaland could score goals, but nobody expected him to do what he’s currently doing. The Norwegian has netted seven in just three appearances at a rate of one goal per 19 minutes. What?

Like the word ‘tnetennba’, that just doesn’t make sense.

7. Robert Lewandowski (-)


“That’s the sort of place this is, Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work and having affairs.”

​Bayern Munich owe pretty much everything this season to Lewandowski. Yeah, Serge Gnabry and Thomas Müller have helped, but the Pole is doing almost all of the work.

6. Timo Werner (Down 5)

Timo Werner

“Did you see that ludicrous display last night?”

Not only did Werner not score in his last game, but he didn’t even manage a goal in the one before that either!

The fact that that is even worth mentioning tells you just how prolific he has been for the rest of the campaign, but two games without a goal isn’t good enough when you’re trying to hold on to top spot in the prestigious power rankings; and the Bundesliga. 

5. Neymar (-)


“People. What a bunch of bastards.”

Listen: ​Neymar just wants to score goals. 

And party. 

And pull out rainbow flicks during games. 

And party.

And dye his hair pink.

And party.

What’s everyone’s problem?

4. Lionel Messi (-)

Lionel Messi

“Hooray. He’s kicked the ball. Now the ball’s over there. That man has it now. That’s an interesting development. Maybe he’ll kick the ball. He has indeed and apparently that deserves a round of applause.”

​Messi gets more than a round of applause for everything he does, but he recently took a back seat to let teenager Ansu Fati steal the spotlight. How thoughtful.

The Argentine did still bagged two assists for Fati though, so he was still just as important for the team.

3. Jadon Sancho (Up 3)

Jadon Sancho

“Dear Sir/Madam. Fire. Exclamation mark. Fire. Exclamation mark.”

​Dortmund have more than their fair share of outstanding youngsters, but Sancho leads the way. The man is on fire.

He has finished with at least one goal and one assist in seven of his last nine league games. Just let that sink in.

2. Ciro Immobile (Up 1)

SS Lazio v SPAL - Serie A

“I came here to drink milk and kick ass… and I’ve just finished my milk.”

All Immobile cares about is goals and wins. Nobody in the ​Serie A can stop him.

He added another two to his tally last time out against SPAL, taking him to 25 in just 21 games.

1. Cristiano Ronaldo (Up 1)


“I hope it doesn’t sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world.”

​Ronaldo is on a completely different level right now. That’s nine consecutive league games with a goal. That’s 14 goals in those nine games.

Those kind of numbers should be surprising, but they’re not because it’s Ronaldo. 

For more from Tom Gott, follow him on Twitter!


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