90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 24 – Master of None Special

Following a week in which: 

– The coronavirus CONTINUED to spread.

– Liverpool ​CONTINUED to lose.

– Jadon Sancho CONTINUED to star.

We, using quotes from Netflix comedy ‘Master of None’, rank the 15 best teams in Europe. 

15. Juventus (-) 

Juan Cuadrado

“We need to contain the sickening.”

​Juventus didn’t play this past week because, to quote a die-hard Bianconeri fan: “That Inter lot were too [cough] afraid to play [cough] us. I’ll tell you now [cough] they’re running scared of us [cough]!”

14. Barcelona (Down 2)

Quique Setien

“Do you, Dev, take Rachel to be your partner in possibly outdated institution in order to have a ‘normal’ life? Are you ready to give up an idealistic search for a soulmate and try to make it work with Rachel so you can move forward with your life?” 

Do you, ​Barcelona, take Quique Setién to be your manager? Are you ready to give up an idealistic search for tiki-taka, the new Pep Guardiola and the beautiful game, and try to make it work with Setién so you can move forward as a club?

‘No, absolutely not.’

13. Liverpool (Down 10)

Mohamed Salah

“The sickening, it’s happening!” 

It’s happening!!*

I repeat: IT’S HAPPENING!!!!*

​Liverpool are officially breaking!!! 

Be it because of the coronavirus making its way to Merseyside, or fatigue, or because they felt bad after receiving that letter from the wee Irish Man Utd fan, the Reds have now lost three of their last four games.

Liverpool are br[ok]en!!!!

*note: it’s not actually happening. Liverpool are grand.

12. SSC Napoli (Up 1)

SSC Napoli v Torino FC - Serie A

“Yeah, they’re eating their little kids’ SpaghettiOs. They ain’t housing that fresh gnocchi.” 

​SSC Napoli are finally finding some form in Serie A, having won their last three on the bounce, and now have a real chance of the qualifying for the Europa League.

‘Wait, is that good?’

Well…no, not really…not at all actually. I mean, it’s ok, but it’s not exactly Champions League qualification.

11. Chelsea (Re-Entry)

Billy Gilmour,Takumi Minamino

“Got struck by lightning while holding hands with a 12-year-old. We switched bodies. Now I got to go to class.” 

Literally the only explanation for Billy Gilmour being this good at 12 years of age, is that he and Xavi Hernandez were both struck by lightning while holding hands. And when it happened, they switched bodies. 

10. Manchester United (-)

Bruno Fernandes

“Bro, here’s the move. You make eye contact, then you flash the cash. Check this out…[wildly waving some bills] hmmm?

“Hey, it’s working.”

So after making eye contact with Bruno Fernandes for an uncomfortably long time (a good 18 months), ​Manchester United finally flashed the cash in January and lured him to Old Trafford. 

And since then, the Red Devils – with an actually competent creative midfielder in their lineup for a change – have looked like a pretty decent football team. Nice one. 

9. Inter (-)

Christian Eriksen

“The infected! They’re closing in! Just kidding, you’re safe at craft services.” 

​Inter didn’t play this past week because, to quote a die-hard Nerazzurri fan: “That Juventus lot were too [cough] afraid to play [cough] us. I’ll tell you now [cough] they’re running scared of us [cough]!”

8. Porto (Re-Entry)

Alex Telles

“Is this real?” 

1) Porto

Games Played: 23. 

Wins: 19.

Draws: 2. 

Defeats: 2. 

Points: 59. 

2) Benfica

Games Played: 23.

Wins: 19.

Draws: 1.

Defeats: 3.

Points: 58.

Is this real? Have Porto really overtaken Benfica in the Primeira Liga table? Really? 

7. RB Leipzig (Down 2)


“Like, what an insane journey. My dad used to bathe in a river, and now he drives a car that talks to him.”

Like, what an insane journey. 

10 years ago RB Leipzig didn’t even exist, and now look at them – only three points adrift of  Bayern Munich atop the Bundesliga table. 

6. Borussia Dortmund (-)

Jadon Sancho, Thorgan Hazard

“Batman has a Batmobile, Thor has a Thormobile…”

And ​Borussia Dortmund have a Jadon Sancho…mobile.

The England international was the match winner AGAIN for BVB this past week, bagging the only goal – his 17th in all competitions this season – in the club’s 1-0 win over Freiburg. 

5. Atalanta (Up 3) 

Josip Ilicic

“We didn’t do anything for fun. You realise fun is a new thing, right? Fun is a luxury only your generation really has.” 

Atalanta are the best team to watch in Europe, and it’s not even close. 

Seriously, it’s not even close.

And it’s rather remarkable considering: 

a) They’re still a selling club.

b) This is the first time they’ve ever really been good. 

So Atalanta fans, don’t take this for granted – fun football is a luxury only your generation really has. 

4. Real Madrid (Up 10)

Carlos Casemiro,Vinicius Junior

“It was a team effort.”

El Clásico was a classic (get it? Eh? Get it?!) example of a team winning against an individual. 

​Real Madrid were the team; Barcelona was the individual. 

While Real Madrid’s 11 players worked together brilliantly, Barcelona’s one player (Lionel Messi) played rather poorly (come at me Messi fanboys) and as such, Los Blancos won and went top of La Liga. Nice one. 

3. Manchester City (Up 1)

Rodrigo,Phil Foden

“Man, this is a lot of pomp and circumstance for an empty special effects movie with cardboard characters and no plot.” 

Man, there was a lot of praise for Pep Guadriola and Manchester City for winning a cardboard Carabao Cup, which no one cares about, by beating Aston Villa, one of the worst teams in the history of mankind. 

Well done…I guess? 

2. Bayern Munich (-) 

Hans-Dieter Flick

“Did they live happily ever after?”

“I don’t know about ever after, but they’re pretty happy now.”

I don’t know if Hans-Dieter Flick is the right man for the Bayern managerial role in the long-term, but it’s going pretty well right now. 

They’ve won nine of their last ten competitive games, scoring 33 goals in the process – that’s 3.3 goals per game…yes I did that maths all by myself. 

1. SS Lazio (-) 

Joaquin Correa

“All right honky, let’s go tonk.” 

While every other team in Italy has been too afraid of the coronavirus to play football, SS Lazio haven’t been. 

Instead, they’ve gone out week in, week out and won Serie A games. They ain’t about to let some flu-type virus get in the way of them and their first Scudetto in 20 years. 


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