Heatwave XI: Swapping the Sun for Puns With a Lineup to Match the Weather

It’s rather warm outside.

In fact, it’s pretty searingly hot outside and we’re all going to melt and should stay indoors and drink 200 litres of water per day or else we’ll perish (every single English newspaper).

Either way, to match the current heatwave, we thought it best to swap sun for pun and bring you a starting XI that matches our current climate.

Apologies in advance. Sincere, sincere apologies. 

Burnt Leno – Goalkeeper

Bernd Leno

There are a few things we share with the Germans; a love of beer, food that is pretty uninspiring and we both ain’t that good in the heat.

Leno may well be, but that’s besides the point, goalkeeper was difficult, so this one will do.

Mario Melt-I-Hot – Defender

Mario Melchiot


Praise the Dutch for having last names that open the door for not one, but two hot weather puns.

Furthermore, I reckon ‘melting’ and ‘hot’ are probably the two words being overused most across every single office in the United Kingdom.

Dan (Sun)Burn – Defender

Dan Burn

Centre backs are really hard to think of, OK? 

To be fair to the player, he’s so ridiculously tall his name is probably quite fitting, as he’ll get the sun probably a solid minute before anyone else does.

Sun Jihai – Defender

Man City v Palace X

Well-known in his native China as one of their most successful overseas footballers, the ironic thing is he played for ​Manchester City for six years so he never saw the sun anyway.

Ben Chill-Well – Defender

Pretty self-explanatory, no?

Its what we love doing when the temperature reaches anything over 21 degrees, pop your shorts on and​ bask in some sweet rays. Ben knows how to do it.

Danny Drinkwater – Midfielder

Daniel Drinkwater

The jokes have already circulated after he was done for drink-driving, but his name, or his career for the last two years, never had anymore meaning than at this moment right now.

Cheers for the heads up Danny, you PSA on legs.

Muggy Izzet – Midfielder

Muzzy Izzet of Leicester City celebrates

It says a lot about the English weather when there are so many words to describe being too hot.

We just don’t cope, and neither would have Muzzy Izzet. Well, I don’t know that, he was half Turkish, but he played for Birmingham for a while, it’s an educated guess.

WilFRIED Zaha – Winger

​The power of the English language, simply capitalise a section of someone’s name and the pronunciation changes very drastically.

Unlike ​Zaha’s future, which feels like it has been dragging on longer than Brexit on a treadmill.

Son Hu-mid – Winger

Heung-Min Son

Dodged the chance to use ‘sun’ twice because, I mean, come one, we’re taking this seriously and there’s no hope in hell that we’d resort to such pitiful standards.

But ​Son hu-mid though, worth a chuckle.

Mario Beach-Ball-Otelli – Striker


Given his track record with ridiculous antics, I don’t think there’s anything Balotelli could do with a beach ball that could possibly go wrong. I mean, surely not?

Now just pardon me while I rush online to re-watch Darren Bent’s goal against ​Liverpool, just in case.

Clammy Abraham – Striker

Definition: “Unpleasantly damp and sticky or slimy to touch.”

Reality: Excellent pun that deserves a round of applause ​Wilfred, and tops off a list that hopefully had you cringing so much you felt a sudden urge to rush outside and singe your eyebrows off.

Sole Sunnar Sol-Skjaer – Manager & Barry Fry – Assistant

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

Coincidentally, ‘sol’ is actually the Norwegian word for sun, while the other elements are there purely an added dollop of hilarity. In for a penny, in for a pound n’all.

Barry Fry, meanwhile, would probably place a cheeky bet on the pair being the greatest managerial duo since Roy Hodgson and Sammy Lee at Liverpool.


Angus Gunns Out, Lucy Bronzer, ​Paul I(n)ce Cream, Sadiodorant Mane, James Heattie, Paulo Warmchope, Louis SahAAAAHH IT’S HOT, Parasol Campbell, David Sunsworth, Gökhan Sprinkler, Calippo Inzaghi, Cesc Fabregas Solero, Niall (S)Quinn(t), Robin Ice Cream Van Persie, Matthijs de Licked an Ice Cream.


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